the Clamb, anus clenching adventure

CONTENTS

BOOK JACKET
PROLOGUE
CHAPTER 1 ................ Half Ass Expeditions
CHAPTER 2 ................ The Abraham Invitation
CHAPTER 3 ................ Finding the Dealer
CHAPTER 4 ................ The Client (aka The Hiker)
CHAPTER 5 ................ The Way to Abraham
CHAPTER 6 ................ Ignoring Details
CHAPTER 7 ................ Base Camps
CHAPTER 8 ................ Kingfield to Camp III
CHAPTER 9 ................ Camp III
CHAPTER 10 .............. The Delays
CHAPTER 11 .............. Toward the Rush
CHAPTER 12 .............. To the Northern Summit
CHAPTER 13 .............. The Last Hot Toddy
CHAPTER 14 .............. The Rescue
CHAPTER 15 .............. The Consuming
CHAPTER 16 .............. Bagged it and Bail
CHAPTER 17 .............. Panic!
CHAPTER 18 .............. Roll or Bowl
CHAPTER 19 .............. The Summit Transcript
CHAPTER 20 .............. Into the Retch Zone
CHAPTER 21 .............. Half Assed Web Site Mania
AFTERWORD
EPILOGUE:THE RETURN TO MAINE
POSTSCRIPT
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS


    THE CLAMB is a true, gripping, and gag-provoking account of the worst kind of disaster in the history of Maine.
     On January 3, 1998, two white-trashy looking expeditionaries headed by a great stash attempted to climb one the highest mountains in Maine, but things went terribly wrong. Un-crowded conditions on the mountain, miscommunications, unexplainable delays, half assed action, and blinding ice storms conspired to kill any plans to follow the trip itinerary.
     These HAE winter survival backpackers, disoriented and without any booze, struggled and clambered their way down the southern flank of the mountain. In the dark, soaked by rain and endless dripping forest cover, battered by ice driven gale-force winds, the hikers became hopelessly wet and resigned themselves to yet another death-march in Maine.
     Here, for definitely not the first time, Vincentoli Blanteev speaks in his own voice about what happened on that desperate day on Mount Abraham. His dramatic, spoofed-up account is weaned into the thoroughly insensitive, in-cavity probing search conducted by HAE's investigative story editor and webpagemaker G. Mount DaGomery, whose extensive interviews with HAE crew members, ham-and-eggers, and with professional mountaineer equipment salesmen provide a unique and one hundred per cent believable perspective of the disaster. The Clamb is a objective account of the misadventure and classic half-assed survival antics and a sobering tale of HAE's high impact camping destruction in the face of unforgiving nature.

winter survival
winter survival

VINCENTOLI BLANTEEV
is one of the worlds foremost high-attitude mountaineers. He has summited twelve of the New England 4000-footers in winter without the use of supplemental beer and has climbed Mount Washington lots of times.

G. MOUNT DA GOMERLY
is a certified sport utility driving ham-and-egger and a webpagemaker who specializes in spoofo-plagurisum, fabrication and B-O graphs. His work Outer Mongolian Underwater Basket Weavers: Killed By El Nino Drought compelled HAE's Department of Bullshit to acknowledge that this web page idea was killed and the piece should had never been published.

FRONT JACKET PHOTO: JOHN BELLANTONI
REAR JACKET PHOTO: MARK NIERMEYER
WEB PAGE DESIGN: TIMOTHY A. NOVAK


AINT FARTIN'S PRESS
DRINK A' FIFTH AVENUE *
NEW DORK, NEW DORKVILLE 011010

     {In 's INTO BIG MAINE}, although Blanteev grants Vincentoli certain strengths, he never paints the big picture of one of the most amazing rescues in HAE winter mountaineering history, performed handedly in a few hours with a Leathermate tool, after climbing Mt. Bigelow without booze by a man some describe as the Burnt-Down Woods of New England Climbing. Vincentoli has bagged many of New England's highest peaks solo, in less than a day, and always without the brews (because of his personal ethic). Having already done Mt. Bigleow twice, in 1988-1989 and 1992-1993, he foresaw no problems with this years RETURN TO MAINE, yet noted that several other HAE members were not on the peak, and positioned himself not to be so partyed or trashed out enough that he couldn't respond to any emergency party supplies. His hot toddies were not a fluke.

--THWAMBEN YURODWELH
The Well Geeks Urinal, January 27, 1998

"Once again Blanteev at his spooferistic best! Unbelievable!" -- OutHouse OnLine
"Hae, could you help identify some bodies?" -- Novasch's call from the Maine Staties
"This is the adventure story our fans were asking for!" -- Vincentoli, on the side of Mt. Abe
"...we couldn't take the trailer, so we took the trailer wheel!" -- Marcus


yo...er...hi mom,hi dad!
-VINCENTOLI BLANTEEV

To them smelly farts of Fredulus Quillumb Mountgomerlybreath
-G. Mount Da Gomerly

THE CLAMB. Copyright @ 1999 by Vincentoli Blanteev and G. Mount DaGomerly. All rights not reserved. Printed in the united states of cyber-space. Any part of this web page may be reproduced in any trashy, spoofed up manner whatsoever without written permission except in the case of boneheads and homie boys using quotations to bust on our spoofy pulp trash. For information call 555-1212

Design by Timur Novasch

Maps and Illustrations by Weaint Gotany

     HAE today has not only gone mainstream, it's a business, and that entails a rising tendency to edit my trashy crap for political correctness. We're sorry that the spin HAE authors can put on a story must first pass rigorous HAE censors. We know that substituting in vanilla flavored, official HAE sanctioned words like fuck, shit, haebar and break in, in place of the authors original text, is a total cop out. The positive side to all this is now HAE team members can make a living from what they love to do, without having first to endure endless questions from friends and authoritative types. The downside of this, needless to say, can be seen in the increased crowds flocking to other web sites, the proliferation of wilderness preservation regulations ignored by the HAE crew, and today as it always has been, the half-assed slap-stick at HAE base camps that will never make it to the lights of cyber-space.

- Vincentoli Blanteev,
Cybah-Spaced Mountain Correspondent, August, 1997

The Mountan Climb is a great game! You can't sit there unmoved!
- Timur Novasch,
Game Section of HAE Website, February, 1998


AUTHORS' NOTE

     Years have gone by since the tragic consequences that occurred as HAE climbers sat around in the middle of ice storm of 1998. This storm was a whopper that eventually racked up a multi-million dollar clean-up bill, not to mention all the frozen stiffs that authorities culled off the countryside. Many of the details and some of the quotes in this page, when otherwise not being totally fabricated, are loosely drawn, with varying degrees of inaccuracy, from newspaper records, TV news, and magazine articles. Vincentoli Blanteev, a participant in the collection of written "articles," wishes to thank everyone involved for not throwing the saved newspaper sections into the recycling bin. This thinly veiled attempt at half-assed story telling and self-spoofation hasn't considerably added any new information to the chronological record. Quotes, wherever possible that have been completely altered in meaning designated by the clenched sphincter symbol *.


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